The Johnny Bravo Protocol and How #TheBeatles Ruined Music

It’s practically common knowledge that when Brian Epstein took over as the manger for the Beatles they were, at least by all appearances, four hoodlums from Liverpool with enough potential for five bands.

Desperate for competent management and enticed by even the most remote chance at stardom, the Fabs agreed to Epstein’s conditions…one of which was an overall image makeover.

Hence the matching suits, haircuts, etc.

Epstein knew, way back then, that despite the overwhelming talent pool in the band, he would have a much easier time selling them if they didn’t look like teddy-boys (one of the first classifications of young men whose looks and behavior had a tendency to frighten the older generation).

He was right of course, and the rest, as they say, is history.

By the time Epstein died the boys were the biggest performing group on the planet, they had already ditched the “mop-top” look and were moving into their own individual looks – and it didn’t matter because by that time they could have recorded themselves singing in the shower and sold a million copies.

You’re probably wondering if I have a point to this little history lesson…I do, even if it makes me sound like an old man.

It’s probably appropriate that I sound like an old man, because the entire impetus for this post came as a result of me being couch-bound with a bad back…or as the old joke goes…a weak back.

So I turned my TV on this morning and before I could switch over to my DVR, and the most recent episode of Hell on Wheels, I was greeted with a morning talk show host introducing a new band which, according to his teleprompter, was the new up-and-coming thing.

I figured…I love music so what the hell, let’s see what this band is about.

The name of the band was R5, and let me save you the trouble…unless you’re a twelve-old-girl or a housewife striving to look cool for the friends of your twelve-year-old daughter…just don’t bother.

I hate using the saying five minutes of my life I’ll never get back, but in this case I am going to make an exception.

Visually, this “band” looked like the unwanted love child of Prince and The Goo Goo Dolls. As for their sound…it can only be described as if somebody found an unreleased out take by the Bay City Rollers and tried to recreate it in the style of Hanson.

The drummer looked like he wasn’t sure which song they were playing. I would bet that the bass player’s bedroom is wall-to-wall mirrors. As he sang, I could see the lead singer mentally calculating his chances of getting laid at any time in the near future. The lead guitar player looked oddly out of place, in that he actually seemed like a talented musician – hopefully he’ll come to his senses and leave this abomination before any chances of ever being taken seriously as a musician go down the toilet. And then there was the keyboard player…an attractive girl obviously included to keep the band from being pigeonholed as a boy-band.

It was, I suppose, the natural progression of The Brian Epstein Theory – looks will sell before talent.

It is also a depressing commentary on the music industry.

I use the word industry rather than business because this band is a perfect example of the definition of the word – economic activity concerned with the processing of raw materials and manufacture of goods.

When I see bands like this all I can think of is some Donald Trump wannabe trolling the internet for kids who can, even marginally, sing, dance or play an instrument so he can package them, promote them, make a million dollars off of them and then move on to the next big thing.

Back in my day (I told you I was an old man!) bands had to compete with each other musically…these kids today – all they need to do is have the right look, throw a video up on YouTube and wait for it to be seen the right person. Don’t believe me…please see prosecution Exhibit A – Justin Bieber.

Actual musical talent not required.

As long as there are pre-pubescent girls with cash, the Johnny Bravo Protocol will lead to huge profits every time.

The sad truth is that, despite whatever minimal musical talent these kids have, their musical future can probably be charted in months rather than years.

I realize, of course, that comparing these poor kids to the Beatles is grossly unfair. Comparing any band, at any level to the Beatles is unfair for that matter, but it seems to me that, since the inception of the music video (something else pioneered by The Beatles ) the music business has deteriorated to a point where it is no longer about the music – it’s about the look.

Thanks for nothing MTV.

It’s a cruel irony that the greatest band ever to make music started a chain reaction that would lead to, what seems to be, the inevitable demise of good music.

End rant.

As always – thank you for reading

How You can Save the Economy

It’s no secret the economy is in tough shape these days – and there’s no shortage of blame being assessed. There’s also no shortage of people with solutions for the problem.

Raise taxes, lower taxes, tax the poor, eat the rich…

The funny thing is that the solution is simpler than you can imagine.

All you have to do is buy this book…

You can “Pump Up” the economy

Hard to believe, isn’t it? I know…but it’s really that easy.

Allow me to explain.

Every time somebody buys a copy of Pump It Up it puts a few dollars in my pocket. According to my mother – money burns a hole in my pocket, so that means I’ll be spending that money.

You never know what I’ll spend it on; it could be something as seemingly trivial as a nice Sunday morning breakfast on the ocean. Since I hate eating alone I would bring some friends. This means the local diner gets more business, and if I sell enough books I bring more friends.

If I bring enough friends the diner may have to hire an extra server and maybe a bus-person. That creates two jobs right there.

Maybe the server is a mother, now she needs child care while she’s working so she hires a nanny.

The nanny’s increased income is just the amount she needed to buy a new car, which puts some extra cash in the pocket of the salesman, while the bus-person now has added income for his/her college fund.

The car salesman puts his extra cash toward a new condo and when the bus-kid goes to college he rents an off-campus apartment.

The person who sold the condo to the salesman invests the proceeds of the sale in a growing company and the owner of the apartment building hires a painting company to give the building a new look.

When the stock of the company goes up, they expand – eventually becoming a major employer with hundreds, maybe even thousands of employees. The bus-kid goes to college and with his high-quality education goes on to create a world-changing technological device akin to the wheel, the computer or the sleep-number mattress.

And so it goes…the economy grows and expands until all of a sudden our budget is balanced, our debt to China is paid and we’ve paid Justin Bieber to stop performing.

All because you bought my book.

So go ahead, click the book cover above and order your copy. You’ll get the enjoyment of a pretty decent story and at the same time you’ll be saving the country from economic ruin.

I thank you and an entire nation thanks you.